The next time you get popped for a crime you didn't commit and end up in the Big House, you're going to be real glad NCIC Inmate Telephone Services rolled into existence. The greatest dream of felons everywhere has finally come to fruition: you can now make collect calls to cellphones while you're serving your time. And hey, this isn't just some minor advance -- no, this is "lightning in a bottle," arguably on par with the first moon landing, finding a cure for cancer, or hitting that crazy high note at the end of "Happiness Is a Warm Gun." With a 20 percent call-completion rate, you don't have to defer your dreams -- rob a bank today, you'll definitely be able to make pricey collect calls to loved ones from jail!

[Image courtesy Celebrity Blackberry Sightings]

We already knew that UK motorists caught driving while texting (or vice-versa) could face a penalty of two whole years in the slammer, but now it seems that merely talking while controlling a motor vehicle could land you in the exact same predicament. Reportedly, British drivers caught chatting on a handset or sending an SMS while on the road "could be jailed" under new guidelines that are expected to be published. In the most extreme cases, they could be tagged with "dangerous driving, which carries a two-year maximum sentence and an unlimited fine." Currently, these folks simply get slapped with an "automatic fine and three points on their license under the lesser charge of careless driving." But honestly, it's not like prison would be so bad for cellphone addicts -- after all, we hear some cells over there actually provide service.

[Image courtesy of MotorTrend]

A 21-year-old Aussie is looking at up to five years behind bars after being charged with "uploading a pirated copy of The Simpsons Movie on the internet." Interestingly enough, his weapon of choice was not an uber-small camcorder, rather, he chose to record the entire film with his mobile phone on its first day in cinemas. Merely hours after returning home, the footage was already making the rounds on the 'net, but he has since been arrested after having his home raided by Federal Police. Adrianne Pecotic, executive director of the Australian Federation Against Copyright Theft, was quoted as saying that mobile phones had "advanced to the point where users could do a lot of damage" with its built-in video recording abilities, and also noted that pirates were "increasingly ditching handycams for smaller mobile phones."

[Thanks, Geoff]

We've seen cellphones turn into brutal weaponry more than a few times in our day, but in the latest unsolved mystery of a handset ending up in a potentially unfaithful SO's throat, it looks like justice is about to be served. Although it was previously assumed that a scandalous girlfriend attempted to swallow her mobile in order to prevent a suspicious boyfriend from finding out who was in her contact book, it now sounds like the enraged male in the situation could've forced it down there. In an admittedly awkward twist, a "jury convicted Marlon Gill of second-degree domestic assault" as they blamed him for putting her phone where her mouth is. Notably, jurors couldn't come to an agreement on an appropriate sentence, which means the decision will be left up to the judge, and personally, we feel the punishment should be much more severe if the mobile in question were of the smartphone (read: jumbo) variety.

[Thanks, Lunar Dog]

Any Brits reading this will probably already be aware of the occasionally questionable exploits of the "red top" tabloids, but for those that prefer not to take their tea with crumpets, the news that Clive Goodman, a journalist for the UK Sunday tabloid the News of the World, was found guilty and sentenced to four months jail time for intercepting over 600 phone messages left for three senior officials in the royal household will probably come as a mild shock. To British readers, the fact that a tabloid hack was willing to go to such lengths in order to provide such thrilling exclusives as the "news" that Prince William casually asked an ITV reporter to borrow a video editing suite won't be a surprise at all. Perhaps the most depressing fact in this case is the complete incompetence of the assailants: Mr. Goodman and Glenn Mulcaire -- the freelance investigator who was sentenced to six months prison time for his role in this plot, and for independently tapping several other notable figure's phones -- illegally and recklessly accessed voicemails before the rightful owners had retrieved them. If there's any good to come out of this case, it'll be a tightening of the security at the network operators that provided the royal official's mobile phones: apparently Mulcaire somehow managed to obtain the passwords "issued by the mobile phone companies to their own security staff. This allowed him, having obtained the mobile phone numbers of his targets, to call customer services and to obtain the voicemail retrieval numbers." We don't know whether to be flattered by the fact that royal staff slum it with the rest of us by using the same mobile phone networks that us "commoners" do, or to freak out at the lax security exercise by the unnamed network operators.

[Via Boing Boing]

Alright, so we're taking this one at face value, but according to an admittedly weird report in Asia, Guangzhou residents should be on the lookout for a clever pup who looks mighty innocent, but is reportedly a "hardened criminal." After locating the dog in a Panyu District home, the owner was surprised to see the mysterious creature cease playing with his daughter, dart over to his cellphone, and make a break for the exit. According to local police, it's becoming somewhat common to see "thieves training canines" to sneak into homes and swipe cellphones for crooks to resell. While it would certainly be easy to brush this off as completely ludicrous, the idea actually isn't that far-fetched, as an English Springer Spaniel is already on patrol in UK prisons sniffing out and retrieving mobiles that were brought into the jails without consent. So if you're strolling through Guangzhou, make sure that cellie is well covered, cool?

[Via Textually]

Ten years in prison doesn't sound too bad when you have such conveniences as satellite TV and DVD players. Now, Lowdham Grange prison in Nottingham, England is adding one more fringe benefit to their roster, the cellphone. Cellphones will most likely be installed in inmate quarters with the hopes of reducing the rate that criminals re-offend and return back to prison. Now there's no need to worry how the prisoners are smuggling their own home chargers in, ok?

[Via Textually.org]

Sure, you've got options when it comes to keeping track of your meandering canine, but Mel Barker of the Norwich prison is turning the tables on who gets called master. Aside from the ridiculous amount of gadget theft (and subsequent injuries) already occurring in the UK, the smuggling of cellphones behind closed bars is apparently quite an epidemic. With transport vehicles ranging from hollowed out cheese wheels to underhanded cops, Barker resorted to training a 15-month old English Springer Spaniel (Murphy) to hunt down illicit mobiles before the wrong (or right, depending on perspective) people received an unexpected call. The pup has his work cut out for him, however, as over 60 phones have been confiscated from prisoners during the past year, and the demand is presumably still on the rise -- but considering his uncanny ability to detect "scents unique to mobile phones," we're sure Murphy will have it all sniffed out real soon.

[Via Textually]

Nothing quite like six years in the pokey to make you rethink your actions, we say. That's what one wayward Verizon Wirelss employee got thrown at him last week (70 months, to be exact) for fleecing his employer to the tune of $21 million, stealing a handful of wireless access codes, reselling them at a discount, and helping himself to the revenue stream. Adding insult to injury, the guy owes Verizon that $21 million back plus a bonus $300,000 in damages. By our rough calculations, the heist works out to a mind-boggling 210,000,000 hot daytime domestic minutes -- so if you happened to recently scoop up a few INpulse cards for a song, you might owe yourself a quick slap on the wrist.

In a decision being touted by prosecutors as a major victory in the war on inmate cellphone usage, jurors slapped Texan Michael Manor with a surprising 40-year sentence for what they considered the very serious crime of possessing a cellphone in prison. Manor, who was already serving 32 years on auto theft charges, was not even charged with using the phone for criminal purposes; rather, the long sentence comes as a result of a new zero-tolerance cellphone policy in the Texas prison system, where the offense was recently given third-degree felony status. Corrections offers are also a target of the crackdown, with prosecutors promising to bring offenders in front of juries instead of offering them probation, although there are concerns that the stricter penalties may actually make smuggling appear more lucrative.

[Via textually]